Working Through the Problems of Marriage

Richard Hollerman

Many of you who are reading these words are dealing with a multiplicity of problems in your marriage. Probably many (actually, most) of you are married but not all is well. You began this “one flesh” relationship with good intentions, with much hopefulness, and with a great amount of self-effort. But much of this has been defeated and your plans frustrated.  If statistics are correct, probably many of you have already “thrown in the towel” and given up. Either you are thoroughly frustrated with it all or you have actually given up in defeat.

Some of you are men and your marriage with your wife is “on the rocks.” And others of you are women and your marriage also seems like it is over. In either case, what your are experiencing is far different from what you thought it would be—or imagined that it could be.

You know what this means.  You may have already given up and are now living alone. You concluded that it was just “too much” for you and you have given up in defeat.  Maybe your spouse feels the same way.  Some of you have gone even further—regardless of what Scripture says and regardless of whether or not your husband or wife has committed adultery. Thus, you may have married again.

We often hear people speaking about their “ex” husband or “ex” wife.  (Ex-husband or “ex-wife”) As you must know, if you did not divorce on the clear grounds of your spouse’s unrepentant adultery, your present condition is that of your adultery—if you have married again. Besides your own marital status, it is possible that your new “husband” or “wife” has also begun with another spouse. Thus, this is a second marriage for them too. As you might suspect, this only compounds the problem. (Of course, we also know that separation is also sinful—1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

Why the problem with all of this? Because Jesus our Lord said, “Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality [fornication, unlawful sexual expression], and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9). We hope that this is not your story and that you still are married to your spouse even when it may be a difficult relationship. And we hope that your spouse is one who was not into a relationship with someone else before you! This would complicate things exceedingly! (Mark 10:11-12)

Thus, it is quite clear that marriages are filled with massive problems. There are disagreements. There is fighting. There is conflict. There is unfaithfulness. There are disappointments. There is irresponsibility. People, it seems, just don’t know what to do and marriage is at the center of these numerous problems. We hope that you find some answers on our website (www.Truediscipleship).

What can be done? Let’s discuss this, using the Bible as our Guide. First, the husband and the wife need to be united in Christ (to be on the “same page” as they say these days). To be united in Jesus, both need to come to God for His forgiveness and cleansing. Do you see this?  God definitely must be at the center of this matter, whatever the problem may be. Husband, you need to surrender yourself and your will to God your Creator and Savior. And wife, you need to also submit yourself and your will to the Lord (and to your husband). There are many articles on this website with this theme.

Second, suppose that you are in an unfulfilled relationship, what should you do? You must cut off all compromises with other people. This means that you must repent of any relationships that you have or have had with the opposite sex within the marriage. Be willing to repent of all compromises in this regard and be true to your rightful spouse. Further, there are many relationships that will pull you away from your rightful spouse. This must not be.

Third, nearly all marriages are beset with multiple moral and spiritual compromises. This must stop. Again, the website should help with this if you are willing to put the proper words into the Search engine. What we mean is that such things as worldly music, worldly literature, the TV, even the radio, the Internet, and everything of a similar nature must be eradicated. You need to repudiate all immodest clothes, all worldly clothes, all bad language, all smoking, all imbibing of intoxicating drinks, all drugs, and the like. You need to repent of all of this wickedness and compromise.

Fourth, you both (husband and wife) need to get your relationship in order. By this we mean that the husband needs to take the lead and be the rightful “head” of the wife, the marriage, and the home (see Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3;1-2; etc). The wife must also be willing to take the place of submission within the relationship (Ephesians 5:22-33; etc.). If this order does not prevail, there will be constant friction and even anarchy! Even though this is usually denied by worldly attitudes around you, you know that it is true and Biblical!

Fifth, all worldliness must be put away from your marriage. Jesus needs to be the center and head of your relationship (1 Corinthians 11:3-16). Only if the Lord is the center will there be peace and harmony. Otherwise, you will be working with a broken system that the world has foisted on your marriage. It won’t work. God has a better plan for you than this worldly chaos. It is wicked and must be looked on as evil.

Sixth, you need to begin to view your marriage as God’s place of order. Could it be that you (as a husband) need to take the lead and be the provider? Could it be that you (as a wife) must be willing to abdicate your position and no longer be the breadwinner? This is what Scripture says, as you know (1 Timothy 5:14; Titus 2:3-5). Although this goes against the grain of the social fabric of America and the world, we know that it is the right thing. Even when this cannot be implemented immediately, this is something to earnestly work for! America is overcome with a wicked spirit and must be renounced by God’s grace!

Seventh, your children also need to be in order. Instead of sending them to the public schools of the world, this sort of education needs to be renounced. Take your sons and daughters out of this hotbed of humanism, pluralism, worldliness, sports, and the like and begin to teach and train them at home. In some few cases, there may be an entirely non-worldly school that can help, but this would be rare. Otherwise, both the husband and wife need to teach your children yourselves. When the children rebel (and in some cases they might), this needs to be dealt with in a Biblical and godly manner.

Eighth, on a positive note, now is the time for you—as a husband and wife—to initiate many new elements. You need to begin to clothe yourselves modestly. You need to begin to eat your meals with nutrition in mind and not merely taste. You need to move out of the city (if possible) and purchase a plot of land in the country (perhaps 10 or 20 acres, if possible) where you can raise your own food, where your children can be taught the virtues of hard work, where you don’t hear the sirens and worldly music of the neighbors. If you are poor (as many of you and we are), this may be impossible or it may be possible after a time of planning.

Ninth, we realize that not all of these changes will be easy. Some will bring a challenge to your commitment. This means that some of you will need to humble yourselves and seek help from others. In other words, many of these ideas will work with the help of other believers. On the other hand, we hope that you will be able to lovingly share and help others so that they will not need to bear these burdens alone. If we all have love—a genuine love for others—we will be able to do all of this with the help and counsel of others (Mark 12:28-31). Of course, love for brothers and sisters must come first and foremost (1 John 5:1-3).

Tenth, we realize that many of you will be poor and needy (cf. James 2:15-17) and many of these points will be difficult. For example, some of you may have eight or ten children and not just one or two. Some of you will have a husband who is a very low wage-earner instead of a regular income or high income person. If the wife quits her job, this may create huge problems. If the family does move out to the country and seeks 10 or 20 acres of farmland, forests, and pasture-land, this may be very difficult. We hope that the saints will be blessed to help one another in this. Further, if we do give for the benefit of others (e.g., ten, twenty, or thirty percent of the family income), this also may be a great burden and challenge. Let’s do what we can and trust in God.

Eleventh, we realize also that physical issues may create huge problems. Suppose the husband and wife that we are discussing are older. Suppose that one is retired and without an income. Or there is only one wage-earner instead of two. Suppose that following Jesus means that one (the husband or wife) leaves and only one spouse continues on with the financial drain this may mean. If the family does put Jesus first, we know that there could be persecution and suffering (2 Timothy 3:12).

Perhaps the family does have eight, ten, or more children—which again could bring great financial hardship. Or it may be that the husband or wife is overcome with great physical handicaps, or a terminal illness, or a chronic sickness. This may result in multiple medical bills. If the family has a physical problem (perhaps a retarded child, a sick child,  etc.), this also may create a lot of expense. All of this could take a huge amount of financial outlay that will cost the family very much.

Twelfth, expenses could be great challenges for some families. Suppose that the family lives in the city (before they can move out to a better place). Therefore, they may need to purchase their food rather than raise their food. And if they eat nutritious food rather than lower-cost “junk food,” this too may cost much. Until the mother can make her own clothes, the family may need to purchase clothing in places like Walmart or in second-hand stores. If they have a larger house for a larger family, this may cost much to buy and also much to maintain. These sorts of expenses may be huge compared to the “American Dream” that we have all been exposed to for years.

Hopefully, we have made our point. Taken together, all of these elements may bring a huge amount of pressure on a husband and wife that could bring difficulties in their relationship. We know that not all marriages are God-centered. Some are very much in conflict. Some are very worldly. In some marriages, tobacco use is prevalent, immodesty is prevalent, worldly entertainment is prevalent. Even when a father and mother (or husband and wife) wants to lead in a godly way, the children may not be that interested. In fact, it may be that one or more children will rebel against this major make-over. Thus, the home may not be all that we would like and (in our dreams) what we would imagine.

It is good to know that God is the creator of Marriage (cf. Genesis 2:18ff; Matthew 19:3-12) and He is very much interested in the way the husband and wife lead in the marriage. He is a Supernatural God who cares about what we have gone over. And He will help. Even when it doesn’t seem that He “comes through” with deliverance, the faithful husband or wife (hopefully both) can trust in Him and carry on with His help.

We know that we have not addressed every problem. Many marital problems remain. We hope that you do consult with our website and find additional articles that will give the information and counsel that you need. May God bless each of you in every way in this most important topic.

Please see this:

Financial Trials of Following the Lord Jesus—and Their Solutions

Please put in relevant words into the Search feature for Helpful Articles

We want to apologize for the use of worldly pictures for the married couples in this article. We know of no Christian websites that would provide for such pictures.