Why Avoid Marital Separation?

Richard Hollerman

For many years, we have heard and read that Christian women are not to separate from their husbands and Christian men are not to separate from their wives. As you can imagine, there are many passages of Scripture that would support this teaching.

For example, Jesus commands, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery” (Mark 10:11-12). There are other scriptures with the same idea (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:3-12; Luke 16:18). This much is clear: Divorce is not permitted, at least for reasons other than fornication. In other words, both separation and divorces are forbidden.

But why? Why should the believer not separate from his or her spouse? (We assume that the believer is rightfully and lawfully married to the mate and that this is not a second marriage that is forbidden.) We might easily imagine many situations that make it very, very difficult to remain married. There are many relationships that virtually beg for divorce or at least separation.

Some situations are so hard and the spouse is so disagreeable that even the faithful Christian is tempted to put away his or her companion. In fact, some situations pull down the Christian so deeply and are so spiritually disagreeable that we think that it is much easier and better to be single and avoid such things as spiritual compromise, spiritual depression, and spiritual confusion.

This was the very option that Christ’s disciples suggested to the Lord: “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this [with no permission to divorce], it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). How did the Lord answer this issue? “There are eunuchs [a person who either chooses not to marry or is unable to marry] who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it” (v. 12).

As we can see, our Lord acknowledged that marriages can be difficult, so difficult that various classifications of people either choose not to marry or are unable to marry. They remain single, temporarily or permanently.

Of course, this is an option. Generally, it is God’s will that people marry and have children (see Genesis 2:18, 24; 9:7). This would be considered the “normal” state in life and it is something that many people choose. If, in fact, it is something that you choose, do so with wisdom and an eye toward the Lord and His directions in Scripture!

Consider also the instructions of Paul the apostle. He acknowledged that a “virgin” should remain unmarried (cf. 1 Corinthians 7:25-26). But he says that in such a situation, the person who chooses to marry “has not sinned” but “will have trouble in this life” (vv. 27-28).

He explains, “I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided” (vv. 32-34a). The same is true of the woman as for the man (vv. 34b-35). He says that the object is “to promote what is seemly and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord” (v. 35). In certain cases, the person is “happier if she remains as she is” [unmarried] but if she (or he) does marry it must be “in the Lord” (a fellow Christian) (vv. 39-40).

We know that there are blessings in a godly marriage in which godly children are received. They are “a gift of the LORD” and “the fruit of the womb is a reward” (Psalm 127:3). The writer also says that there are blessings in having many children (vv. 4-5). On the other hand, we do know that sometimes those with children are disappointed since those children go astray and become unfaithful. The Old Covenant writings are filled with examples of this.

If a person does marry a righteous person who manifests spiritual characteristics, marriage can be a blessed experience (cf. Ephesians 5:22-33). Such a union can portray the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and this is very good. Parenthood is also a blessed experience if the children are godly and Christ-focused (Ephesians 6:1-4).

Therefore, it is important for us to remember that there are times that marriage is good and advisable. On the other hand, there are times when such a marriage should be avoided. We need to ask whether the marriage union will help each partner to grow in Christ-like qualities or spiritual characteristics. If the proposed marital union does give promise of being a spiritual and blessed experience, we can see that Scripture would give you an “open door” to consider marriage. On the other hand, if you are already married and are disappointed with your union, separation would not be proper. You must continue in the union—as difficult and negative as it may be. As the apostle would say, “the wife should not leave her husband” and “the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Give your union to the Lord and sincerely, earnestly seek His blessing on the marriage that you do presently have.

(Very soon we plan to run an article that would be of interest and help to those who are presently married as Christians. As is often the case, some marriages consist of one Christian and one unbeliever. This poses a further serious problem that needs to be addressed. Further, sometimes a devoted, God-centered partner is married to an apathetic person who shows little interest in spiritual things. We hope that you find something helpful in the True Discipleship website: www.TrueDiscipleship.com. Just type marriage, divorce, and separation into the Search feature.)

We leave one further thought with you: If you should choose to separate or divorce to leave a difficult or spiritually draining relationship, there will be further issues that you must be aware of. For instance, if you choose to divorce, it will be quite easy for you to justify a remarriage—especially to a person you might consider a Christian. But remember that unless you divorce for sexual immorality, you have no right to remarry. In fact, this would be adultery and those who commit and remain in adultery will be sent to hell for all eternity—1 Corinthians 6:9-11. This shows how crucial it is that you maintain your marriage if, in fact, it is approved of God. We also know that some saints understand the passages in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Romans to forbid any remarriage at all!