Shall I Marry an Unbeliever?
We know that this question is one of the most crucial questions that may be asked! Of course, we know that an even more basic one would be the one asked by those on Pentecost: “Brethren, what shall we do?” (Acts 2:37b). In this case, they wanted to know how to be forgiven of their sins and find salvation. But even when we discuss whether we may marry an unsaved person, this question is very important! We know that marriage is actually a very, very basic matter regarding the practicalities of living day by day. So the question comes to us again, “Shall I marry an unbeliever?”
Obviously, we don’t mean this question in the way that many would ask it. We don’t mean shall we marry one who doesn’t believe in God—although this too may be asked. But we mean, what about the “religious” person out there that one is tempted to develop a relationship with, begin “dating,” or actually consider marriage. We know that the “unbeliever” (according to the Bible) may refer to one who follows one of the world religions, or one who is a devotee of a basic Protestant or Catholic sect. Or we may refer to one who has actually been saved (in some way) and refuses to remain in this saved condition. What about the person who has made some profession of Christianity but doesn’t want to remain in this condition?
We must ask and answer an even more basic matter before we can even understand the question. Someone has said that there are about 30,000 different religions in the world and this may be correct. Let’s just notice four of them at this time and proceed from this question.
Suppose that we look at Roman Catholicism, Mormonism, Adventism, the so-called Jehovah’s Witness sect, and the Eastern Orthodox Churches. Some are under the assumption that Catholicism began about 250 at the time of Cyprian, others think that Catholicism began about the time of Constantine (about 330 AD), others may assume that this religion began about the time of Augustine, about AD 400, and still others may think that it began about the time of Gregory I of Rome in AD 600. Actually, all of these days are probably wrong although there are elements of truth in each one.
Let’s go to another founder of a religion—Joseph Smith of New York state. This religionist was born in AD 1805 and died in 1844. Today, there are about 16.5 million Mormons in the world (according to Wikipedia). The Jehovah’s Witness cult has about 8.6 million members and was begun in America in the middle 19th century. The Seventh-Day Adventist denomination was begun by Ellen G. White in the middle of the 19th century. And the Eastern Orthodox Churches have many members, for a total of about 220 million members.
Now consider this: Would it be wise and right for a Christian today to date and marry a Roman Catholic, a Seventh-day Adventist, a Jehovah’s Witness, a Mormon, or an Orthodox member? Would it be wise and beneficial for this kind of alliance to begin, to continue, and to proceed? Or would this be a very, very foolish decision to make? Would it be one that would bring great sorrow? (Of course, we know that a devoted Christian would never consider such a move, thus we pose this question to make a point!)
Let’s make a few items clear at this time. We do know, from the Scriptures, that God said at the time of creation, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). We also know that at the time of creation, we read, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; cf. Matthew 19:4-6).
From this, we can see that normally, a man and a woman are to be married for life. From this, we can also see that it is normal and wholesome for a man and a woman to meet, come to know each other, and then marry each other. For how long? For life. And we also know that a person or a church must not forbid marriage (providing that the man and the woman are eligible, 1 Timothy 4:3-4). On the other hand, the Scriptures make it clear that a truly saved person must never think of marriage to an unbeliever! (See 2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
We might also point out several other points. The rightly-married couple are to be faithful and live together as long as they both are alive. They are not to separate (1 Corinthians 7) or divorce (Matthew 19:3-12). Only the couple (consisting of a man and woman) are to remain together through life. Perhaps this is why the marriage ceremony specifies that they are to be married “as long as they both shall live.” If one of these parties dies, this allows the remaining person to remarry without adultery (see 1 Corinthians 7:39; Romans 7:2-3).
Another important point is that only a man and a woman are to be united in marriage. In today’s perverted world, we know that millions have changed this—thus we find a man committing perversion with another man and a woman committing perversion with another woman. This is an abomination and must be changed (Romans 1:26-27; cf. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Hebrews 13:4). If such a union does occur, God calls this homosexuality—a sin of huge proportions that will keep the couple from being with God for all eternity.
Some may consider this a minor point, but God considers it to be a major one. He holds this union to be of such magnitude that there must be no violation of this before marriage. The couple must refrain from compromise before they commit themselves to each other—for life. Today, vast numbers of couples have “trial” marriages or sinful relations with each other before marriage. They think that “living with each other” is the safe and prudent thing to do but, in reality, this would be an evil dimension. Not only would this harm the relationship of the couple but if they have had previous relationships, it would further confuse the relationship. This would take something holy (a right relationship) and make it into something evil and perverted.
Instead, the man must keep himself from other relationships before marriage and likewise the woman must refrain from any impure relations before marriage. In other words, the couple are both to be pure, clean, and untouched before marriage.
Of the many ways that a marriage may be defiled or compromised, we know that a man must marry only one wife and a woman must marry only one husband. Otherwise, the man commits polygamy or the woman commits polyandry. As our Lord has put it, “The two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). Sadly, even though sometimes this “one flesh” relationship was compromised in the Hebrew period of history through polygamy, it was never God’s intention. In this case, we would have one man having a relationship with two or even multiple wives. Still, it was the standard relationship of one wife with one man. For example, Simon Peter, the apostle of our Lord, had a wife (one wife)—thus he was married (cf. Mark1:30). In the Old Testament period, such notable figures as Abraham, David, Solomon, and others had more than one wife. But, as we said before, this was never God’s will and it shouldn’t be ours.
In response to the question that we began this article, we know that ideally God wants one man to marry one woman—and vice versa. But we must go a step beyond this. Both of these parties must be Christians. Or we might say that they both are to be believers or saved. For instance, Paul asks the pertinent question, “Do we not have a right to take along a believing wife, even as the rest of the apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas?” (1 Corinthians 9:5). The apostle says that he (and Barnabas) do have the “right” to be married—but the marriage partner must be “believing.” In other words, the only allowance is for a man to be married to a woman who is saved! She must be a believer! This shows that the apostles and Christ’s brothers were married (Mark 6:3).
But we also see from this instruction that marriage was not required. In fact, it appears that this relationship was somewhat rare. Apparently John the Baptist, Jesus, and Jeremiah were unmarried—but most others were united in marriage. We might add a few others, although we are not sure of their marital status–such as Mary and Martha, Mary Magdalene, Barnabas, Silas, Timothy, Titus, and others (although we are not absolutely sure about each of these). (See Cultural Backgrounds, Study Bible, page 1997).
We must remember that there are many instructions that apply to both the husband and the wife in a legitimate marriage. (Of course, this is not in any way meant to legitimize an unlawful or illegitimate “marriage.”) For instance, Paul says that the husband is the “head” of the wife and the wife is to be “subject” to the husband. The husband is to love his wife as himself and the wife is to respect her husband (see Ephesians 5:22-33). When two people marry, they should have plenty of practice in applying these basic instructions with each other under God. There are many such passages in the new covenant writings that a man and a woman should know thoroughly before (not just after) they wed!
If you, personally, are considering marriage, we offer you these thoughtful questions:
- Do you know this person well (we refer to both the man and the woman here)?
- Have you had a long-term relationship with him or her?
- Is the person a devoted, sincere, knowledgeable person who will be true and faithful to you under all circumstances?
- What is the character of this person? Will he or she manifest truthfulness, kindness, love, purity, and all of the fruit of the Spirit (cf. Galatians 5:22-23)?
- Does this person manifest practical skills and knowledge that will be useful in a marriage relationship?
- Is this man or woman a genuine follower of Christ Jesus and does he or she express true and lasting fidelity to God in every way?
- Does this person show herself to be a diligent worker, a mother at heart, a faithful companion, and a devoted follower of Christ?
- Does this person show himself to be a diligent worker, a father at heart, a sincere and faithful companion and friend, and a committed follower of Christ Jesus?
- Is this person a faithful, loyal, and helpful husband or wife?
- Is this person committed to good health in diet, in exercise, in healthful attitudes, and will he or she be true to the other in every way? Is this person clean in body?
As you answer these sorts of questions, God will help you to make decisions in very practical ways. It is very, very vital that you seek God’s will regarding these matters. Why? Because millions of people have sought marriage advice in the wrong places. Or they have made decisions regarding marriage in a way that is fleshly or carnal rather than spiritual.
Consider yourself. Maybe you are “dating” a boyfriend or girlfriend but have wrong motives and wrong thoughts in mind. You may think that the person is handsome or beautiful—but he or she fails to be a true child of God! We think of the Lord’s words to Samuel: “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7b).
We know that certain men and women in Scripture were described as beautiful or attractive in appearance (Genesis 20:17; 1 Samuel 16:12; 25:3; 2 Samuel 11:2; Esther 2:7; Song of Solomon 6:4)), but we also know that physical attractiveness can entrap a person and lead that person astray. Many have been the person who has fallen for the satanic trap of physical beauty! Thus, be utterly careful about someone’s attractiveness that could very well lead you in the wrong direction!
One matter that we must emphasize is this: We will relate to God for all eternity. And we will relate to our spouse for eternity—providing we are married to a believer. In other words, the spouse we choose right now will be one that we will relate to forever. But, of course, we will not be married for eternity (contra to Mormonism’s false doctrine) (cf. Matthew 22:29-32). We must back off from this dire prediction in the light of the fact that some men and women will not be received into eternity by God. We must choose now in light of eternity. We must relate to a person of the opposite sex in light of the fact that he or she will be either God’s choice for us forever or will not be. Are you making a choice with this in mind? (Cf. Matthew 22-32).
Not only should you guard against physical beauty regarding a person that you might be interested in for dating, but be more careful about the person’s character or qualities. We know that this can be an elusive subject for we can tend to forget about this matter, but we also know that a person may be led astray by all sorts of external matters. Do we merely look at the wealth of a potential boyfriend or girlfriend or are interested in what a boy or girl displays in physical beauty? Or do we go beyond this to the inner person that shows the true self?
Another point that should be very much in our mind has to do with our relationship with a spouse through life. We don’t want to fall into the false view of the Mormons who believe in an “eternal marriage” but we still must be quite aware of the fact that whom we choose to be our lifelong companion will probably be one who influences us one way or another way. Such a person can very easily lead us down the path toward eternal death or can lead us toward eternal death—heaven or hell. Are we ready to face this reality now? Is this something that we can live with? If you knew that the person whom you chose to be your lifelong companion might very well determine where you will be for all eternity, are you ready to face this reality?
We hope that you can see now the utterly important decision that lies before you! This is nothing to play with or to take lightly. Rather, the man or the woman you choose may very well lead you closer to God or away from Him, closer to the way of truth and righteousness or away from the Lord’s way. Which will you choose?
One of the most important issues has to do with the future. We refer not only the choice of a spouse in the distant future but in the present. I believe that God would give a spouse when I was yet in my teens. Thus, I thought that He would provide a wife when I was fairly young. Maybe this is the assumption that many have. Instead, we find that often these decisions are made fairly early. When a young person begins to “date” early (perhaps in his or her middle teens), it may be that the boy or girl will make a decision on a life partner while in the teen years. If not then, it may be in their early twenties. If so, and if the couple decide to marry in their early or middle teens, this may nearly “seal” the person’s future. Not only for earthly life but for all eternity! Is this something that you are prepared for yourself?
We thus earnestly urge you to take this matter of dating, of relating to a boyfriend or girlfriend, of choosing a life companion, very, very seriously! Don’t throw away your life! Don’t make a rash decision! Don’t be foolish in such a life-decision (actually, an eternal decision) and throw away your life in this vital matter!
In most cases, God does want to give you a good, wise, and righteous spouse (in some cases, He doesn’t), but make sure that the one you choose will be one who draws you closer to God and His will! Be willing to lay down your life in surrender and choose a spouse who will bring you closer to God and not further from Him! We willing to cast away a potential spouse if he or she will only delight your senses rather than draw you closer to His will. Be mindful of the fact that the choice of your life-long spouse is also the choice of a father or mother and of any children you may have.
We began with the pertinent question, “Shall I Marry an Unbeliever?” Hopefully by now, you can see the utterly foolish mistake that many have made in choosing a spouse who will pull you way from God’s will rather than drawing you closer to Him! We should be able to see that it would be the height of foolishness to marry an unbeliever. Probably millions of young men and women think that choosing such an unbeliever will be only temporary and that, in time, the believer will be able to “convert” the sinner to the ways of God and righteousness. No, we must never “do evil that good may come” (Romans 3:8). We must never choose to make a foolish decision with the hope that time will rectify such a decision and the unbeliever will come to Christ and His will. We must never do wrong with the hope that it will turn out well.
Choose to do the right now and seek God’s will for your future. Plan to make the right decision now and then seek the Lord’s will regarding your future. Please God with your present decisions and seek God’s will regarding your future. In all things, both you and your spouse must put God first in all things, including whom you marry. This is the right way. This is God’s way.
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