Questions and Answers to Marital Issues

Richard Hollerman

When one is intent on knowing God’s will and pleasing Him with the answers we discover, this becomes a huge task. I am thinking of many of the issues that arise and call for Biblical answers. Let’s try to answer a few of these.

  1. What are some of the sexual sins that people must overcome?  Obviously, as we read through Scripture, we learn of many different issues that need to be addressed. For example, God makes provision for a couple to find love and fulfillment in a life-long relationship with each other.  It is God’s will that a husband and wife come together in a sweet marriage, bear children, and fulfill God’s will for their lives (Genesis 2:18, 24; Matthew 19:3-12). Obviously, they are to love, serve, and work for the Lord together, all of their lives.
  2. What if a couple have sex before they are married? This, of course, detracts from their relationship immeasurably. Yet, with God’s help, even this defective relationship can be overcome and such a husband and wife can find fulfillment and love—even though it begins wrongly. The order is clear: A man and a woman choose to marry, they then marry, and then they enter a sexual relationship (after marriage). Any deviation of this detracts from their marital relationship. See Mark 10:2-12 and Matthew 5:27-31. Let’s remember also that “before they came together,” Joseph and Mary had no sexual relationship—before marriage (Matthew 1:18, 20-24).
  3. Is it possible for a couple to have sex instead of marriage? Definitely this is possible and it is something that millions of Americans choose. But it is wrong, obviously, and immoral. To cite the proverbial slogan, it gets the “cart before the horse” and even goes beyond that. God wants the couple to enter a marital relationship totally untouched, fresh, and pure, and then commit themselves to each other. Sadly in America and many other countries of the world this God-given choice is totally ignored. In fact, God calls sex before marriage “fornication” and many scriptures condemn this (1 Corinthians 6:9-10; Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 5:2-7; Hebrews 13:4; Revelation 21:8).
  4. Can one experience wrongful sex within marriage? Definitely this can be done and often is done. A couple may have perverted sex. And you can imagine the dozens of different sorts of perversions that can occur between a man and a woman after marriage. Another perversion would be forcing the other to engage in wrongful and perverted sex. (We have a relatively recently published book that deals with the abnormal types of sex that one party may “force” upon the other. (See Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8.)
  5. We might consider the subject of separation. Hopefully, we all know that when a man and a woman marry, they are to have sex and to withhold sex from the other is wrong. See especially 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Thus, if one party would like a sexual relationship, he or she should do all within his/her power to make himself desirable. To withhold sex from the other is wrong—unless there is a mutual compact to have prayer instead of a relationship. Sadly, we know that sometimes one of the parties in a marriage is dirty, wicked, impure, undesirable, or filthy. This must not be the case!
  6. The desirable relationship of marriage is often perverted and doesn’t occur. What do we mean? A person may find someone else that he or she thinks is more desirable. This would then mean envy or lust. Or one may find someone that he this is more attractive, thus more desirable. Or a married person may think that he or she finds many undesirable traits that he seeks to escape. Or another temptation would be that he or she makes comparisons with a former girlfriend or boyfriend. This will make the person dissatisfied with the current spouse. So many different matters could arise to make the person cast his or her eyes elsewhere—and away from the rightful spouse.
  7. Another matter could arise and this would be divorce. This is more permanent than other issues but it is something that happens millions of times not only in America but many countries of the world—perhaps all countries of the world. For example, a husband or wife, for some reason, may put away his or her current spouse. He may just want to be free. Or he may get tired of one person and want to be unencumbered with the trouble that the present spouse may bring. Thus, he chooses to put away the one person (with whom he was “in love with” years ago) and go to another one. So sad.
  8. Along with divorce, often there is a further complication. The person may choose to remarry. For instance, for one reason or another, a man may choose to divorce his wife and look elsewhere for a new spouse. Either that new spouse could be more desirable or perhaps he thinks that another spouse could be more desirable. So another wife enters the picture. The reverse could also happen, of course—the wife may seek a different husband. The result would be adultery, of course (Matthew 5:27-31; 19:3-12; Mark 10:11-12).
  9. With this sin we must realize that some sins are difficult to correct. A few may be relatively difficult but some are huge and very difficult. Remarriage is one of these. We know that when one divorces and remarriages, adultery results (see Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18; Matthew 19:9). But how does one escape from the adultery? Just being sorry doesn’t work. Just repenting doesn’t work. One must actually cease committing the adultery. But how? Even if one were to say that we need to escape the adultery, this is not at all easy. There could be children from a second marriage. There could be a bond in the second marriage. And it is nearly impossible to go back to the first marriage after all of this occurs. We are left with the consequence of seeking to undo the wrong and do the right.These are some of the difficult situations that may arise in the marital relationship. One may say that it is better not even to marry. Even this has difficulties. Generally, the human being has been made by God for relationships—and this would include a life-long relationship with the opposite sex.
  10. When the disciples heard the restrictions regarding marriage, they said to Jesus, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). This is the response of some today. But our Lord replied that some men (and women) have been unable to have a marital relationship from birth; others have been made unable to have sex by men; and others have “made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus then added, “He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” This shows that it may not be easy at all to just decide not to marry. (Scripture uses “eunuch” which is a term seldom used today.
  11. With a decision not to marry, there are additional problems: (1) As we said, God generally intends for people to marry and not be alone (1 Corinthians 7); (2) There may not be another person because others have already divorced; (3) One may not be attracted to a person who may be available; (4) Another person may not be attracted to you; (5) All others may have multiple negative characteristics that we know would create problems; (6) Others may have convictions that we find objectionable. There could be almost unlimited negatives that would keep us from marriage. And it is not easy to remain single unless this is the way that God has made us. If we do not have the “gift” of celibacy (1 Corinthians 7), it may be objectionable to seek to remain without marriage. But if remarriage would be adulterous, we have a serious and impassible barrier

For example, suppose (because of one’s own preference or because of Biblical convictions) that one would like to have 7 or 10 or 12 children and the proposed spouse wants none. What is the person to do? How can he or she proceed? Along with this, there could be huge health issues or many financial roadblocks to having children, especially many children. Further, we know the near impossibility of raising godly children in today’s world. Further yet, if we seek to avoid public state-sponsored education, we are generally left with home schooling. And this option is not at all easy, especially if we seek to teach a dozen children. Thus, there are huge issues involved.

  1. We hope that this little discussion will help to open our eyes to both the need for marriage as well as the negatives regarding marriage.

Let’s consider another issue that often arises in marriage. This has happened again and again. Suppose that a person (“Joe”) has been married to a woman for 15 months, then looks and sees another woman. This other woman is more attractive and desirable than his original wife. This then will incite him to divorce the first wife and remarry a more attractive and desirable woman. All of this, of course, is a direct violation of God’s word in Scripture (Matthew 5:27-30). Yet this sort of sin is committed again and again in our world. This sin is especially wicked if he goes ahead and marries this second woman and then settles down to a long marriage of 30 or 40 or 50 years.  He has not only committed adultery with the second woman, and he has committed adultery himself, but he has ruined the life of the original wife. And it is a temptation for the original wife to find “another man” which may bring adultery into her own life.

  1. We could go on and on with possible situations that would bring difficulties to marriage. Let’s consider a practical problem.  Suppose that one (perhaps the wife) would like to take her children out of public state-sponsored education and begin to teach and train her children at home. What could be find? 1. First, the children may not agree with this. Maybe the child is 8 or 10 or 12 or 14 and just strongly objects to this. Yet the mother may know that their character is being formed in an ungodly and worldly way. What can she do? And if the husband/father objects, what can be done?
  2. Suppose that a couple would like to have a godly marriage, but can’t seem to afford this option. Maybe they have one or two or even seven or nine children. How can a marriage be preserved with this sort of financial roadblock? And how can they remain financially solvent with such pressures?
  3. What is the married couple to do when they would like to leave their city or town home and move to the country? But how can the husband earn enough money to support a family and earn enough to pay for a mortgage for ten or 30 acres of land? And if the wife is at home, how can one breadwinner do this without financial issues? These financial problems may bring insurmountable problems into a marriage. It is one thing for a marriage to survive with $200,000 or $100,000 a year, but how can it survive if they earn only $20,000 or even $24,000 a year? If the marriage has only one or two children, even this may be feasible, but if the family has 10 or 12 children without the wife working, how can they survive by earning only $20,000 a year? Thus, the marriage can be in very deep financial water with pressures of this manner.

I know and you do also that this sort of list of problems could continue on and on. Some of these are quite practical. And others have to do with marriage and sexual issues. Regardless of what it may be, we know that the “other person” or “the other family” may have such problems and we hope that we will never have such issues. But, quite realistically, they do come and we need to find answers.

Let us commit our lives and our marriages to God and seek His answers. May He help us by His power and grace. We do hope that you will find encouragement in reading other relevant questions on the pages of www.Truediscipleship.com.

You may find some thoughts at this place: Financial Trials of Following the Lord Jesus—and Their Solutions.

[Sorry, but there must be better ways to format such an article, but it would seem that we don’t know of these ways at present. Perhaps there will come a time when this is available. For now, our plea with you is one of patience!]