Marriage or Singleness?

Marriage or Celibacy?

Richard Hollerman

From countless American pulpits, as well as from conservative Evangelical circles, we read and hear much about the benefits and virtues of marriage and the family. We’re acquainted with the “Focus on the Family” ministry, the American Family Association, and other pro-family organizations. Indeed, we are living in bizarre times when the family itself is deteriorating and being destroyed by liberal forces of many kinds. This is so different from the ways of God. You will remember that He pronounced “very good” when He completed the creative week with the provision of marriage and the family (Genesis 1:26-31).

There are blessings to marriage for this is the state that God provided as early as the Garden (Genesis 2:18, 24). A God-honoring and God-glorifying marriage continues to be the normal and expected relationship of men and women throughout the Old Testament period (Proverbs 5:15-20; 18:22; 19:14).  Even in the New Testament era, marriage and the family are considered basic and desirable (Matthew 19:4-8).  Generally speaking, God would have men and women marry. You will remember that Paul wrote, “Because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). This is the basic design for the human race.

However, in the New Testament age, our view is broadened to see something more.  We also observe both the peril of marriage entanglements, marital conflicts, and the need to be prepared for Christ’s glorious return. We dare not overlook or minimize this additional perspective from the Lord.

Read all of 1 Corinthians 7 and consider it with me.  Notice particularly verse 28 which states: “If you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you.”

Marriage is not sinful, says the apostle.  Many commentators believe that perhaps some of the Corinthians, with their immoral past, had surmised that God wanted them to abandon their marriages or not marry at all (7:1ff). Whether this speculation is accurate or not, we don’t know.  But Paul says it is not sinful or opposed to God’s will. Marriage partners should fulfill their God-given responsibilities as husband and wife (vv. 3-5). In fact, marriage is “very good” (Genesis 1:31).  (This all presupposes a Christ-centered, Bible-based, and God-honoring marriage of two eligible and compatible people.)

However, Paul gives another side to this matter, one that we often overlook or avoid.  He writes, “I wish that all men were even as I myself am” (1 Corinthians 7:7). This means he would want them to be celibate and single as he was. The apostle adds that if one does marry, he will have “trouble in this life” and he wants to prevent this from happening in the life of the Corinthians (v. 28).  This refers to “tribulation in the flesh” (NASB margin).

Marriage does bring multiple responsibilities and trials. In times of “distress” (1 Corinthians 7:26) marriage especially can be difficult.  One source suggests that this is “probably a reference to the pressures of the Christian life in an immoral and particularly hostile environment” (NASB Study Bible note). Indeed, today is grossly immoral and increasingly hostile to the Christian life and message. And it is increasingly difficult to begin a marriage and family without being contaminated by the world and influenced by the countless demands of life.

As Paul continues his discussion of marriage, he says some rather startling words: “The time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away” (1 Corinthians 7:29-31).

What Paul says here makes many of us somewhat uncomfortable or even distressed.  Those of us who have blessed marriages (and there are few such marriages remaining) may wonder how this could be said in light of many other instructions on the blessedness and benefits of the marital state. But let’s take the words for what they say. Let’s not twist them, deny them, or explain them away. There are many stresses and strains that come in marriage. If one takes his role as husband seriously (and what is true of the husband and father is likewise true of the wife and mother), he will encounter manifold pressures and problems in life.

Paul seeks to keep us from as many of these problems, troubles, and pressures as possible.  I might add that when children come (and generally this is God’s will in marriage as well, Genesis 1:27-28), there will be many more pressures and problems in marriage, far and above those found in marriage, per se. Children do bring blessings (Psalm 127:3-5), but they also are a great responsibility who require massive amounts of time and attention.

In light of persecution, in light of trials and sufferings, and in light of many additional factors, Paul says that we should have a certain looseness in our earthly bonds. As one source puts it: “The time for doing the Lord’s work has become increasingly short. Life is fleeting, as times of persecution remind us. Do not be unduly concerned with the affairs of this world because material things are changing and disappearing. Some think the reference is to the Lord’s second coming” (NASB Study Bible note). In addition, as one ages, he sees the “shortness” of life and rapidly approaching death, thus there are additional pressures in life to live for Jesus and His eternal cause on earth.

Along with this, there is the approaching coming of the Lord and the end of all things (cf. 1 Peter 4:7; James 5:9b). In light of this, we are advised to be careful about marriage.  Be careful of the temptation to put all of your time, energy and efforts into a state that is God-given (one the one hand) but can so dominate life that little remains of proclaiming the gospel, preparing for Christ’s return, and living for eternity! Someone has referred to the “idolatry” of the family, something that is commonly emphasized in many modern Christian contexts. Both marriage and family can receive undue emphasis to the neglect of Christ Jesus, the gospel of Christ, and the kingdom of God! Many do become so dominated by and controlled by marriage (and family) responsibilities that there is little time or energy left to pursue the broader responsibilities of serving Christ in a lost and dying world!

With great insight and candor, Paul writes that men “who have wives should be as though they had none.” This doesn’t negate other scriptures that emphasize the need, the responsibility, the privilege, and the blessing of loving and caring for one’s wife (cf. Ephesians 5:25-33; Colossians 3:19; 1 Peter 3:7) or husband (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33; Colossians 3:18). But while carrying out these responsibilities, we must always determine to put God and His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). We must give Jesus our Lord our priority (Matthew 10:37; Luke 14:26; Colossians 1:18).  God always comes first, before our dearest relationships of spouse and children and others!

All of this is based on the fact that “the form of this world is passing away” (1 Corinthians 7:31).  John also reminds us of this fact: “The world is passing away, and also hits lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever” (1 John 2:17).  One source says, “Paul’s point here is simply that the form of this world, or its day-to-day affairs, is not eternal. Christians should prioritize their human relationships, material possessions, and worldly dealings accordingly” (ESV Study Bible note). We all know the priority of Christ and His will but it is hard for us to express this without misunderstanding.

We know that on the “day of the Lord” things will change!  “The heavens will pass away with a roar and the elements will be destroyed with intense heat, and the earth and its works will be burned up” (2 Peter 3:10).  Further, “the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat” and we look for “new heavens and a new earth, in which righteousness prevails” (vv. 12-13). Let’s not cling tightly to what we know will pass away and be destroyed. Let’s not idolize anything on earth—for nothing will last. Yet, like a passenger on the Titanic who rearranges the chairs and straightens the wall pictures, we may be tempted to think of this life and the common activities of our daily existence, along with family living, as uppermost. No, says Paul, this life and this world and all it contains, will pass away. Even marriage will pass away!  We must always put God and His ways first. (Marriage may have a place—an important place—but it is not ultimate. Only God holds the ultimate place in our life and in eternity!)

In light of this, Paul gives specific instructions to the husband and wife: “I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34a).  Without a wife, the single man may be “concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.” He can have single-minded and single-hearted devotion to the Lord Jesus. His focused attention may be on the Lord and the Lord’s work. His prayer life and studies and service may be exclusively fixed on Jesus—and Jesus alone.

On the other hand, the married man is legitimately “concerned about the things of the world, now he may please his wife.” While it is possible to be wrongly involved in the things of the world through marriage, we know that there are right involvements as well, such as earning a living, upkeep on the house, cooking and cleaning, and the rightful need to communicate meaningfully with one’s spouse. If there are children, parents must earnestly keep them from the world and teach and train them in the ways of righteousness (Ephesians 6:4).  But all of this does take time and energy.  And, as Paul puts it, “his interests are divided.” He doesn’t have the time to devote to exclusive devotion and prayer and service to the Lord Jesus and the needs and concerns of others.

Paul continues: “The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:34). Like the husband, the wife also has her interests divided. She can’t totally and exclusively be “concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit.” A married woman has numerous responsibilities (and privileges), such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, sewing, and especially child-raising (in our day this would probably include home education since we wish to teach our children the ways of God and keep them from the fallen ways of the world). All of this is time-consuming and utterly tiring.  Time for prayer, Bible reading, Scripture-study, sharing, and service for the Lord is reduced (but surely must not be eliminated!).  Being married does have advantages and blessings, but there are many demands and diversions as well.

It is good to remember these insightful words “The tragedy is that hasty or misguided marriage has often been the devil’s tool to sidetrack a young disciple from a pathway of maximum usefulness for Himself. Many aspiring pioneers have forfeited careers of undivided service for Christ at the marriage altar” (William MacDonald, True Discipleship). Another writer put it this way: “Marriage . . . is a bitter enemy of fulfilling Christ’s will that all should hear of Him. Marriage is God-given. But when it becomes a barrier to God’s will, it is misused. . . . Nothing—not even the God-given blessing of a life-mate—much hinder God’s purpose for one’s life. . . . Today souls die without Christ because loved ones have taken priority over God’s will” (Wesley L. Gustafson, quoted in True Discipleship).

In light of all this, Paul concludes, “This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35).  Some of Paul’s readers may have thought that he was being unnecessarily restrictive, but the apostle points out his good motives in writing as he has about holy celibacy.  He says that he wrote for their “benefit” and not for their harm.  He doesn’t intend to “restrain” them if, in fact, it is God’s will for them to enter marriage.  His holy and wise motive was to “promote what is appropriate” in light of living on earth and the responsibilities of marriage.  His purpose was to secure “undistracted devotion to the Lord” which comes through celibacy—and not marriage.

Paul had said earlier that what he wished was that all of the Corinthian saints would remain single like he was.  He explained that “it is good” for the “unmarried” and “widows” if they remain in celibacy as did Paul (1 Corinthians 7:8). In principle, he is urging people to forego marriage.  However, if one cannot endure celibacy, he or she should marry (v. 9). God can use marriage to His glory and for His cause as He can use holy celibacy in His kingdom.

Keep in mind, however, that Paul says celibacy is only for those with a “gift from God” that would enable them to restrict marriage (v. 7). Jesus Himself had earlier said that remaining single is only for those who have been given the ability to remain in singleness from God (Matthew 19:10-11). He too urges celibacy, but only if one can persevere in singleness “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (v. 12). We might add that surely God would give the “gift” of celibacy to those who are divorced and would commit adultery if they were to remarry (cf. vv. 6-9; Mark 10:11-12; Luke 16:18; Romans 7:2-3).  Those who are widows or widowers, or those who are divorced and cannot marry apart from adultery, can count on God to provide the “gift” of celibacy so that he or she can endure singleness and pursue the purposes of God without distraction!

Celibate singleness would be for various classes of people: the brother or sister who seeks to teach and preach, those who want to devote more time to prayer and study, those who must travel for the gospel frequently, as well as widows and widowers who don’t remarry, and divorced brothers and sisters who are unable to remarry without committing adultery. Millions of people may thus pursue celibate singleness with profit and by necessity.  (In the world there are millions and millions of single men and women—but they freely and promiscuously engage in sexual immorality, thus they are neither holy, nor pure, nor actually celibate.

Devoted and earnest-hearted boys and girls, men and women, are needed in the kingdom of God.  They are needed to proclaim Christ to a world under God’s righteous judgment and just wrath.  Thus, men and women must subjugate their own desires and appetites and even cherished dreams in order to fulfill the Great Commission of our Lord while the world passes away and eternity dawns! “Men and women of the vanguard may need to deny themselves even the necessities of life to say nothing of its softer though perfectly legitimate pleasures. The duty of such is to endure hardness, to be good soldiers, unencumbered by the things of this life, athletes unentangled by any weight. . . . It is a vocation, a calling, and an ordination to special service” (Cable and French, quoted in True Discipleship).

All of this must be kept in mind when we consider celibacy and marriage.  Paul says that when one marries, he does “well”; but if one remains single, he does “better” (1 Corinthians 7:38).  If a woman (or man) has been married and the spouse has died, “she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).  Paul completed his instructions by saying that a person who remains single generally is “happier” in celibacy (v. 40).

This may be counter to what people assume in our day. Medical professionals say that married people take better care of themselves and tend to live a little longer than others. In response, we would say that if the true follower of Jesus remains single “for the sake of the kingdom of God” and is intensely involved in the Lord’s work, and is in close and intimate fellowship with God’s people, he also may prolong his life to be useful in the service of the King.

In our day, most people look forward to marriage, but the age for marriage has increased dramatically in the past couple of decades.  While the percentage of marriages has decreased somewhat, sexual involvement hasn’t!  In fact, it has dramatically increased for the unmarried!  Nearly all of those in their teens and twenties (and even older) are involved in some form of sexual immorality, and many millions “live together” without the benefits and legitimacy of marriage. This continual sexual license reveals that sex has not diminished but actually has increased, especially since the “sexual revolution” of the 1960s. Many men and women wrongly think that their immoral involvements may be indulged without consequence. However, there are many earthly and temporal consequences along with the spiritual and eternal results (Romans 1:24-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; Galatians 5:19-21; Ephesians 5:5-7; Colossians 3:5-7; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; Hebrews 13:4; Revelation 21:8).

We might add that if sexual continence proves to be a problem (and this may be the case in our sex-saturated society!), Paul says that one may choose marriage.  As the apostle puts it, “If they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn [with passion]” (1 Corinthians 7:9).  On the other hand, if it would be immoral to remarry, then seek the “gift” of celibacy from the Lord.  And if one cannot find the ideal companion (the prospective husband or wife who displays a burning love for God and a passion for Christ, along with the fruit of the Spirit and a desire to serve the Lord), then please don’t rush into marriage.  Indeed, it is better to remain single!  As someone has put it, “it is better to be single and wish you were married, than to be married and wish you were single!”

In summary, if you are rightfully married in an honorable way (Hebrews 13:4), without adultery (Matthew 19:9; Romans 7:2-3), you don’t have the option of deserting your partner. You have a God-given responsibility and privilege to love and care for your spouse (and also to your children). Fulfill these responsibilities well for God’s glory and the cause of Christ! But, as Paul says, have a certain detachment in marriage and mental awareness of life’s brevity and the end of all things on earth in light of Christ’s eternal plans.

Further, keep this in mind:

1. If God provides marriage, fulfill your obligations well (1 Corinthians 7:2-5).
2. If God leads you to singleness, remain celibate and pure (Matthew 5:8).
3. Avoid any lustful thoughts, attitudes, or actions (1 Corinthians 7:9; Matthew 5:27-30).
4. Be content with your situation in life (Philippians 4:11).
5. If you are single, refuse to envy the married; if you are married, refuse to envy the singles; if you are unable to marry because of lack of opportunity or because marriage would be adulterous, refuse to envy others who are in a situation other than yours (1 Corinthians 7:17, 20, 24; 1 Peter 2:1; Psalm 73:1-3; Proverbs 23:17-18).
6. Use your situation (whether married or single) to the greatest advantage, for the cause of Christ, and for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31; Colossians 3:17).
7. Keep an eternal focus in life so that all that you do and all of the relationships you have will be focused on the brevity of life (Psalm 39:4; James 4:14-15) and the approaching day of the Lord and eternity (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

Celibate singleness is possible. I know, for most of my life God lead me to be in this situation. Although I didn’t plan it this way and never imagined that I would be single beyond age 20 or 22, the years came and went—age 25, 30, 40, and beyond. Many years later, God did bring a lovely young woman of His own choosing into my life, thus for the last few years I have been married under His blessing (Hebrews 13:4). But as I look back and evaluate all of my life, I can see that I probably would not have been able to accomplish all that I did (reading, studying, learning, writing, distributing, traveling, teaching, exhorting, praying) if I had been married for all of those years.  I may not understand all of His ways: “How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!” (Romans 11:33). But I trust that He has worked all things together for good (8:28) and my lifelong singleness and celibacy was for His ultimate plans and good purposes.

Celibacy is possible—and even desirable—if one has the “gift” of celibacy from the Lord.  And it is to be preferred if the celibate brother or sister keeps his or her  mind and heart on “undistracted devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35).  The devoted, committed, and zealous young person or young adult—both male and female—may accomplish much for the Lord because of the absence of distraction and because of his or her undivided interest in the Lord and His kingdom.  Open your heart to these truths and consider whether God’s word is speaking to you personally on the matter of celibacy for Christ’s sake.