Divided Marriages

(The Differences and Problems in Families)

Richard Hollerman

Maybe you have looked at those who claim to be followers of Christ and see them in families. Some of these units are wonderful and the people seem to be happily united. They spend day after day, seeking the Lord and doing His will to the extent of their ability. They have children—many of them—and go from day to day and year to year with a mutual respect for each other and the common desire to raise a family with a love for God, a fear of Him, and total submission to Him and His will. As one of the tracts that I read years ago said, this would be a bit of “heaven” on earth!

But since we are honest people, we know that there are many different forms of marriages and many varieties of homes. Many of them are not as wholehearted and “sold out” to Jesus as others. In fact, many of them can barely go from day to day without collapsing. They want to serve God but they seem to be hindered from this laudable purpose. In order to examine this more carefully, let’s notice different matters that we read in Scripture.

When it comes to the Bible, we know that there are different groups of people. For instance, in Colossians 3:11 we read of these peoples:

  • Greek and Jew
  • Circumcised and uncircumcised
  • Barbarian (those who did not speak Greek or adopt the Greek culture)
  • Scythian—these people were considered uncouth for they did not speak Greek. Further, they came from southern Russia, thus they were not accepted by Roman society.
  • Slave or freeman. Either in bondage or those who had been emancipated from slavery

These were some of the people. Notice also 1 Corinthians 12:13:

  • Jews and Greeks
  • Slaves and freemen

We might also think of Galatians 3:28:

  • Jew and Greek
  • Slave and freemen
  • Male and female

These are some of the classes of people mentioned in the New Testament. And there were others, such as Parthians, and others. Obviously, simply listing these different classes of people would not mean that God has taken away all differences. For example, we know that certain liberal commentators would say that He has erased all distinctions regarding “male” and “female” thus a woman may engage in all of the activities that a man does. The entire New Testament argues against this interpretation for Scripture forbids a woman to do many things that a man can do. And not every man may do certain things but only certain men. We know, of course, that transgenderism and Transexualism are wrong and a perversion.

Therefore, we know that the early believers came from many different backgrounds, lands, ethnic groups (some may say “races”) but they can become legitimate husband and wife in a marriage. But, there still were many serious issues. And the same is true today.

In the times of the New Testament (it pertained from the time of Christ in AD 30 until the end of the first century about AD 100). But the letters were written and reflect the time period from about AD 45 until about AD 67 or even AD 80. During this time, in the New Testament (NT) we find numerous problems and these are reflected in genuine marriages. We refer to legitimate marriages between a man and a woman. (We know, of course, that a man and woman may be married and this may be adulterous, for they are living in adultery.)

For example, in 1 Corinthians 7, we find that apparently there were disagreements within legitimate marriages in which sexual issues were discussed (vv. 2-5). Paul says that it would be better to remain unmarried (vv. 6-9; see also vv. 25-28). Apparently, there may have been separations within these marriages and this needed to be corrected by the apostle (vv. 10-11). Yet there were true brothers and sisters married to unbelievers and these Christians were not to leave them (vv. 12-17). Paul says that there were benefits to being single and not having a wife (see. v. 40). Yet we know that this is not always to be done. If one’s mate dies, the remaining one may remarry—providing the new partner is a Christian (v. 39). This would provide for stability within genuine marriages.

We also see this issue of mixed marriages (one partner was saved while the other was not) in 1 Peter 3:1-2. Apparently, some Christian women were married to unbelieving husbands. These men were “disobedient to the word” (v. 1). Whether these marriages were pagan or Jewish to begin with, we don’t know. It may be that one of the partners then came to Christ, leaving the other opposed to the Lord and to spiritual things. Peter then shows that a woman in this situation may “win” her husband by her attitude of submission to him. Her “behavior” and her “chaste and respectful” attitude may be what are needed to convert him. This is true today as well. A woman may turn her husband to Christ by what she says. But if this doesn’t work, then her behavior may bring him to the Lord! The same would be true of the brother who has an unbelieving wife.

These people in “mixed marriages” were to be loyal to Christ Jesus above all. In everything, they must obey God and do His will regardless of what the other may desire (see Acts 5:29). Consider these reasons for this “mismatch” in marriage:

  1. Both are unbelievers
  2. One comes to Christ while the other did not.
  3. The unbeliever may oppose the truth
  4. Or the unbeliever may simply not go along with the Christian
  5. Today, many claim to be Christians but live inconsistent lives
  6. Or they may join compromising fellowships and churches
  7. Or they may go a certain way and not the whole way with God
  8. They may claim to be a Christian but there are many counterfeits in the world (cf. 1 John 2)

These may be some of the reasons why one is a Christian and the other either turns away or refuses to submit to the Lord. Again, we may ask why there may be disagreements in the home and why there could be conflict.

  1. Music played in the home and car
  2. The wife or woman’s working
  3. The husband has a compromising job
  4. The husband may have employment that may be sufficient but the Christian wife, after she quits her job because of Christ, puts a strain on the family
  5. One or more children may be in a public school but the Christian wants one, two, or more children to be at home and be taught at home.
  6. The children want to consume junk food and this may be the desire of the unbeliever as well, whereas the Christian may want the children to eat nutritious food.
  7. The husband demands junk food
  8. The wife demands junk food
  9. The wife has a job or a compromising job
  10. The wife may want to quit her job but this may be financially difficult.
  11. TV or other media in the home
  12. Computers and cell phones may disrupt the tranquility
  13. The wife wants to go to Church but the husband either doesn’t want this or refuses to allow this
  14. The husband wants to go to Church but the wife doesn’t go along with this
  15. Clothes—either the husband or the wife may demand immodest clothing.
  16. Differences with the discipline of children
  17. Differences regarding either one child, two children, three children, or more—thus numerous issues may arise.
  18. The husband or the wife is in adultery
  19. Pornography may be viewed by husband (or wife)
  20. Children are sent to public schools
  21. Children are sent to compromising private schools
  22. One partner may want another child and the other doesn’t
  23. One partner may want to move to either save money or to a better location or to a more ideal environment but the other doesn’t want this.
  24. One partner may want to contribute to the work of the Lord but the other doesn’t want this.
  25. One partner would like to give 5% or 10% or 20% or 30% but the other doesn’t want this.
  26. One partner wants to keep his or her worldly car but the other doesn’t want this.
  27. One partner may want to make a major purchase, like a car, but the other refuses to allow this
  28. Either and husband or the wife may come to Christ and the family would like to find a more economical house, one that is in a better place, a larger one, or a house in a more desirable location—but the family simply can’t afford this extra expense.
  29. Thus, housing may be a difficult area of conflict.

The list could go on and on. As we consider this issue about why there could be both differences but also conflicts or disagreements within a marriage that leads to serious disruption, we are amazed at the number of conflicts and the devastating effects that may occur.

In all of this, we know that God comes first. But even with this commitment by one or both of the partners, there may still be serious differences and outright disparities. Elsewhere on the True Discipleship website we discuss putting God first and Christ first in all things. But even with this, we find problems that may arise. While the husband may be the “head” of the home and the “head” of the marriage, we know that there may still be differences that are of a severe nature. We wonder how two people who marry may be able to work this entire matter out, especially if only one wants to serve Christ and obey God and the other one has no interest in this.

We realize that people do marry for a variety of reasons. Some marry with a “romantic” view of it all. Others assume that differences that arise at first will finally be resolved in time. Still others think that through the input of a religious leader, or a worldly teacher, or a family member, or through another person, this will all work itself out. Still others, of a worldly or secular perspective, think that if people consult the right counselor or read the right book, that this will solve these conflicts. Still others may think that the other one (maybe the “Christian”) will loosen his or her zeal and commitment and this will solidify the marriage. There are various ideas but we know that they are wrong or may be wrong.

We are aware of the fact that the Gospels (Matthew to John), Acts, the letters (Romans to Jude), Revelation, as well as the entire Old Testament may not have the answers or ones that we would want. People did have problem marriages from the very beginning. And this continued through all of God’s revelation in Scripture (Genesis to Revelation). And these marital problems continue to exist. Perhaps we have given a few answers that may help. And we know that some 2,500 articles on the True Discipleship website may help also. Let us seek God in prayer, in complete commitment, in absolute submission to each other and to God, and let us trust and obey the Lord in all things. And this would include marriage.