Two Marriage Sins of Today

Richard Hollerman

We want to present a couple things for you to think about and consider today. Let’s discuss two sins that are common in our day about which God has spoken—and which pertains to many of our readers.

First, we sadly must say that many men (or husbands) don’t really lead in the family. We may say this in more than one day. They don’t know how to take the lead, or they refuse to be the undisputed head of the marriage, or they allow the wife to take the lead while they simply go along with her headship. In short, the husband is allowing his wife to be the “head” of the home and the marriage. He (the husband) the is led by her wishes, desires, dictates, and wants.

Perhaps this is not really fair. He may not want such a situation but what can he do? He doesn’t want to cause a stir. He doesn’t want a scene. He doesn’t want to make a mistake in this. Thus, he just allows the wife to take the lead that she either wants, demands, or assumes.

This would mean that in some cases, the husband is hard-hearted and refuses to take the lead. He refuses to be the “man” of the house and is pleased when his wife takes this lead. On the other hand, sometimes he is deeply grieved with her leadership and he goes along with this arrangement for what else can he do—short of terminating the marriage.

This creates a situation that no one is happy about. He (the husband) is unhappy for he knows that he is filling a position that he is unqualified for and he knows that his wife is taking a place that she should not be taking. If he wants otherwise, he is manifesting a softness in the marriage. If He wants his wife to take the lead, he is showing a degree of irresponsibility. No one is happy with this arrangement. In fact, it produces an inner turmoil in both of their hearts—the husband and the wife.

If his wife takes this unnatural position, perhaps this is what she was taught it by her father or mother, or by anyone else in the home. In short, he is miserable (or should be) because he is not filling the position that God has given to him. Yes, he may be doing what he has been trained to do by modern culture. He is filling an egalitarian role that grieves God. And he also knows that the submissive role that he has taken is not only deeply grieving to him but, surprisingly, the role is not really, deeply satisfying to his wife. She is doing something that God, in His wisdom, doesn’t want her to do. She is unhappy with this position although she may think that this is what she wants. A woman cannot be happy doing what her husband should be doing.

It is time for men with masculine characteristics to begin to take the lead and be real men. It may be too late for fallen and fallible culture to do this, but (as Christians) we can do what we can. If you are a woman, please seek to be pleasing to God by filling a feminine role. And if you are a man, we urge you to take a masculine role in leading your wife, the marriage, and the family.

Second, sadly we must point out that many women refuse to take a submissive role—the one that God has given to her.  Maybe such a position seems to her to be unwanted or maybe she feels that she is forced into the position since her husband will not lead.  Thus, instead of the Biblical “patriarchal” position, she takes a dominating role as the “head” of the marriage and the “head” of the home. Sadly, in this relationship, no one is happy. No one is fulfilled. In fact, there is a crying out for some solution and a more workable arrangement!

Since most families in the United States and many other leading nations of the world are egalitarian or (worse) openly headed by a woman, by some twisted logic we assume that this is the way it should be! Actually, this perverted model has only been around for the past century. Before that time, no one seemed to doubt that the man was to be the head of the house. But since that time, things have been turned upside down.

Thus, we have the abnormal situation of women (wives) taking the lead while the husband as a sad, lonely, and perverted puppy-dog trailing along behind. Don’t we know that Scripture says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord” and “The husband is the head of the wife”? (Ephesians 5:22-33). Don’t we realize that the wife is to follow and not lead (1 Peter 3:1ff) while the husband is to “honor” his wife and lead her to greener pastures (v. 7).

You might remember that there are many passages of God’s Word that deal with this theme (see 1 Corinthians 11:3-16; 14:33-37; Titus 2:3-6; 1 Timothy 2:8-15). Yet, somehow, we in the “advanced” West have found a better day—or so we think or thought. In reality, our values are entirely wrong. We and our ideas and practices are entirely perverted.

Friends, both of these sins are very prevalent today. Men are unwilling to take the lead and be the “head” of the home and the marriage. Women (or wives) are crying out for solutions and wanting men to be the “head” of the relationship! And women are unwilling to allow the man/husband to take the lead but she often insists on taking the lead herself. What is wrong with this perspective? If my history is correct, up until a hundred or a hundred and fifty years ago, the roles of the husband and the wife were more in balance. And also more in keeping with Biblical teaching. Then something happened that would not only change this but pervert it radically!

We know that women’s suffrage entered, but this is not the whole story. We also know that woman began to take a leading role in the twentieth century—but this is not the whole story either. We also remember that men did not continue with their educational pursuits but women did continue with such pursuits. (Until today when more women than men receive higher education!) But this is not the whole story.

Could it be that somehow the view that both men and women (and society in general) had began to change and change radically? More and more, people laid aside the Scriptures as their guide and assumed that the Bible was not the final authority of truth, of right and wrong. They began to use human reason for their guidance and refused to allow God to speak to them through Scripture. Thus, they were like the ship adrift in the middle of the ocean, without chart or compass, and they were left with fallible and faulty human reasoning. Don’t we realize that God tells us: “trust in the Lord will all your heart and do not lead on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

This world is upside down with their thinking. I hope that you will agree with this statement. Are you prepared to take actions to stem the tide of this trend toward an overthrow of truth? Now is the time to do it! Perhaps it is too late even now, but we are responsible in our own time to do what we can to fulfill the will of God ourselves—regarding man and woman (or regarding the husband and the wife). Now is the time to do this!

The only other solution is to dissolve the relationship and go our ways. However, we both know that desertion or separation is not the way of the Lord. Instead of dividing with each of the parties going his or her own way, let’s find a workable and Biblical solution!