Mutual Character Qualities in Marriage

Richard Hollerman

If you are married, you are aware that qualities of all kinds are necessary for the marriage to be what God would want and to be a blessed experience for you. Sadly, many or probably most marriages lack various qualities that are needed in this blessed God-given relationship.

We are aware that nearly all marriages are composed of a husband or a wife or both who seem to have little idea about what God would truly want. These marriages may be more interested in the religions involved (whether Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Islam, or Jewish). Or these marriages may display the ideals of “Christian” religions such as Catholicism, Orthodoxy, Anglicanism, the various Protestant denominations, or one of the cults. Increasingly, in our age, we find millions upon millions of people who make their decisions according to Secular ideals. They have a background in atheism, agnosticism, evolutionism, or nothing—and the like, thus they just assume that their relationship with the opposite sex is just the relationship between a man and a woman, with no thought of God or His divine will.

Those who have responded to God our Creator through Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord, have a very different perspective. Since the Holy Spirit indwells the people of God (cf. Acts 5:32; Ephesians 1:13-14), He gives the ability to live a Spirit-strengthened life of obedience to God’s will. This gives such a husband and wife the ability to live according to God’s ways, His will, and His character.

We are aware that not all marriages are composed of a fully-devoted couple who seek to walk in the ways of God above all else. Many marriages consist of one person who does seek God’s will and another who does not. These sad relationships may still provide the setting for at least one of these persons (whether the husband or the wife) to live the Christ life with the strength of the Lord and according to God’s inspired Word.

If this be so, what are some of these qualities that do matter in a marriage? If you happen to be in such a relationship, what are you doing, how do you live, what do you say, and how do you think in order to relate to your spouse with the character that God desires? What can you do to manifest these Biblical traits? Let’s survey a few of these, with only a few comments, to remind ourselves of what God wants.

1. Love. Obviously, whether you are married to a person from one of the world religions (e.g., Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, etc.) or a “Christian” sect (e.g., Catholicism, Mormonism, Presbyterianism, Methodism, etc.), you will follow the desires of God in loving your partner with His special love. Agape, of course, means an outgoing, unselfish “love” that will seek the highest good of your beloved. Whether your spouse is a devoted follower of Christ or is not even in Christ, it is important that you manifest true love in all of your relationships. As Scripture says, “Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14).

2. Truth. Perhaps this is a quality that we don’t think about as often, but truthfulness is so important in your relationship! If your spouse can trust your words and life, he or she will have a confidence in you that many fail to have. We need to be able to speak the truth so that others will know that what we say accords with reality. They need to know that you are not deceptive but truthful in all you say. Truth is a chief element of “the fruit of the Light” (Ephesians 5:9). Paul says that we are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15; cf. v. 25).

3. Joy. Although we may often overlook this quality, how vital it is in a relationship! Don’t you want to have a joyful spouse? Don’t you want to be a joyful person? Let’s remember that Paul the apostle emphasized, “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). Would you want to be married to a mate who is always unhappy, downcast, despondent, melancholy, and depressed? On the other hand, think of the pleasure of being married to a person who is consistently joyful, jubilant, happy, cheerful, and elated! This will be a continual feast! When the world around us wants to pull us down, it is good to be married to one who will always pull us up regardless of the circumstances. You need to determine (with God’s help) to be such a person!

4. Diligence. How often do we hear this word today? Not often! Diligence is “constant and earnest in effort and application; attentive and persistent in doing something” (Random House Webster’s College Dictionary). Think of what it must be like to come home from a day’s work to find a wife who just sits around the house, watching TV, or sleeping. Or think of what it is like to be married to a husband who doesn’t want to work to earn a decent living or fails occupied in cleaning and building and repairing! Or think of the sadness of marriage to a person who fails to have a burning desire to study and learn God’s Word! God wants us to be “diligent” (Hebrews 4:11) and Paul encourages us to be “not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord” (Romans 12:11). This quality of diligence will go far in maintaining a blessed marriage.

5. Peace. We know that “peace” is one element in the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). If a marriage is characterized by bitterness, animosity, unkindness, and “warfare” in body, words, or attitude, we can see that this doesn’t at all promote an attitude of peace or peacefulness in the home. The home should be a place of refuge that offers genuine peace and tranquility! To use the words of the blessed song, “Happy the Home when God is There,” we read this:

Lord, let us to our homes agree

This blessed peace to gain;

Unite our hearts in love to Thee,

And love to all will reign

Henry Ware

6. Kindness. The quality of kindness is surely a forgotten virtue today. If it is found at all, it is merely a secular trait rather than a manifestation of the Holy Spirit. Paul says, “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous” (1 Corinthians 13:4a). One of the traits of real love is this quality of kindness. Let me ask you directly, Are you a “kind” person? Do you have an attitude of kindness toward your husband or wife? Do you treat your spouse with genuine kindness? Or are you cruel. heartless or harsh? As God said through Paul, “Be kind to one another” (Ephesians 4:32a). When you come home from work, do you treat your wife with tenderness and kindness? When you relate to your husband, do you treat him with roughness, indifference, or bitterness? Let us be kind to our spouse whom God has given! Although we may not find this trait in the world, let us be different!

7. Gentleness. This is another quality that is often overlooked in our day. With so much wickedness in movies, on TV, and in reality, we tend to fall into an attitude of heartlessness toward others. It just comes naturally! But we are not to be and do things from our natures, but through the power of God. The Lord calls us to be gentle toward our husband or wife. There must be no fighting, no loud talking, no bitterness, and no crude or cruel responses. How often do we even think of being gentle toward our husband, our wife, our children, or everyone else? Do we treat them as though they didn’t really matter? Do we respond to them with a deliberate love that is expressed in kind words, kind actions, a kind spirit, and a kind attitude? This is the way of the Lord. And it should be the way we think and act and live!

We know that there are many other traits that should characterize our lives. In fact, on this website, there are many dozens of qualities that make us more like Jesus. If the Holy Spirit is working in our life, we will express these characteristics in abundance. See particularly Galatians 5:22-23; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Ephesians 4:29-32; James 3:17. So many others could be cited!

If you are married, make sure that your relationship with your spouse pleases the Lord. Read the dozens of statements in the Word of God that encourage us to display God’s fruit in thought, word, attitude, and deed! If you are unmarried, this same fruitfulness should be there in your relationship with your children, your parents, your siblings, your neighbors, you fellow-workers, and all others. Further, perhaps you would like to be married in the future. We hope that this article will stimulate you to manifest the fruit of the Spirit in abundance! Let the qualities of God be working in your heart and life! This is the way of the Lord!

Note: Please Type “Character Traits of the Spiritual Life” into the Search line. You should find many different characteristics that will prove to be enlightening.