Questions and Answers

Obedience to One’s Unsaved Husband

Question:

Although I am a woman and I realize that the woman is to be subject to her husband, it is so very hard and problematic for me when my husband wants me to do something that I know is wrong. What can I possibly do to obey Him as well as obey my Lord?

Answer:

We know that for the conscientious woman of God, this can be a very difficult situation, one that is not easily answered. Yet Scripture does give us a number of principles that we must keep in mind if we wish to submit to God as well as please our husband.

We must admit that for most women—whether secular or professing Christians—this is not a major problem. Note: It is a major problem but nearly all women don’t consider it in this way!

Why? Because they are not at all concerned about the rightfulness or wrongfulness of most issues. They will just do what they think best and go on from there. More likely, they will follow the majority and assume that this is good. Sadly, they are not at all concerned about how God views things. Granted, there are a few conservative women who hold to a view of Scripture that also avoids this difficult issue. They know that God’s Word says that the woman is to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:4-5; 1 Peter 3:1).

However, they are willing to disobey the Lord in order to obey their husband. They think that their obedience to their husband is what pleases God even if they must disobey God while doing this.

In contrast, we must remember what Peter, inspired of God, said: “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). In this case, the apostles knew that they were to obey the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-2) but they also knew that obedience to God must always take priority over such governmental obedience.

Do we assume that God will keep us from all temptations to disobey God in our efforts to please our husband?

We do want to commend you for your desire to obey God and your decision to do so without compromise. As you know, this is a decision that many (even most) women will not do. They give little thought about what is right and what is wrong in these dilemmas.

But, we must ask plainly: What kind of problems may arise when a wife is asked (or demanded!) to do something that she cannot conscientiously do? She may know that something is wrong but her unbelieving husband still wants to have her violate her conscience to submit to His will. Here are a few examples that immediately come to mind:

  1. Suppose that a husband and wife get into their car and the husband wants for her to speed down the highway to get him to work on time. What shall she do? She knows that to disobey the government regulations (including the speeding prohibitions) is to disobey God (see Romans 13:1-6; Titus 3:1; 1 Peter 2:13-14). She also knows that she is to obey her husband as fully as she can—without disobeying God (Ephesians 5:22-24).
  1. Suppose that her husband admires a woman dressed in immodest and improper clothes, but the wife knows that this is sinful (see 1 Timothy 2:9-10; 1 Peter 3:3-4; Matthew 5:27-28). Shall she obey her husband or obey God? She cannot do both. (One exception would be if she can explain her position and conscience in a way that her husband will agree with her refusal to submit to him in this area.)
  1. Suppose that a husband is quite worldly (or possibly is with a false religion or cult) and forbids his wife from reading or studying the Bible. What options does a Christian wife have in a case like this (cf. Acts 17:11; Psalm 119:104-105)? Shall she read Scripture or shall she disobey the Lord and obey her husband?
  1. Suppose that a worldly husband requires his wife to go to the store and buy tobacco products or wants her to purchase drugs of some kind (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). What should a wife do in a case like this?
  1. Suppose that a worldly husband should want his godly wife to take the children to a sports event, to sports practice, or the like. The wife knows that this worldly activity should not be endorsed or promoted. What should she do?
  1. Suppose that a cruel husband should forbid his wife from meeting with other Christians or go to Christian meetings (cf. Acts 2:42; Hebrews 3:13; 10:24-25). Yet God says to continue to meet with the saints (if she knows of them). What should the wife do?
  1. Suppose that the Christian wife, newly converted, is required by the husband to take the children to a public worldly school for education (cf. Philippians 4:8). What should she do in such a case?

  1. Suppose that a worldly husband forbids his wife to actively engage in home schooling or Christian education. What should the wife do in this case?
  1. Suppose that the husband requests or even requires his wife to buy and/or prepare junk foods for him or the family to eat. Should she insist on her personally-prepared nutritious foods or go along with this requirement of tasty but obviously “junk” foods—tasty but non-nutritious and injurious foods? (Romans 12:1-2).
  1. Suppose that the husband insists on listening to terrible and worldly music (that can hardly be called music!). And he fills the house with the noise of Rock Music or Rap Music or something else. Further, suppose that the husband requires his wife to not only listen to this music but also access it on the radio or other device. What can she do?
  1. Suppose that a worldly husband requires the wife to watch and listen to worldly TV, even pornographic TV, and will not allow her to choose anything different. What can she do in a case like this?
  1. Suppose that the husband brings into the house worldly friends, loud and reckless. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; 1 Corinthians 15:33) What can she do in this case?

  1. Suppose that the husband’s mouth is filled with blasphemy, slander, gossip, and other verbal sins. Not only this, but he forces his wife to listen to this wickedness rather than walk away. How can she put up with this? (Proverbs 14:7)

We have given the examples above to help us to remember the many different ways that the pure, holy, and godly wife must deal with a worldly, ungodly, and unholy husband. If you happen to be in a situation like this, you know that these examples are not unrealistic at all.

We are assuming that both the husband and wife are living together, and that they may have married when the wife was much more worldly herself, then she came to Christ and began to want to pursue the way of righteousness (cf. 2 Peter 2:21). Now she finds herself in a “mixed marriage”—a union with a husband who continues to seek earthly and worldly pleasure with no thought at all of God and the way of righteousness. All of her prayers thus far are of no avail. In other words, we assume that the husband has no thought of God and his life shows this, perhaps described in Romans 3:10-18.

Further, we are assuming that the marriage is not adulterous. This is the first marriage for both of them, thus they are not living in adultery, which would mean that the Christian wife has no option about divorcing this rascal of a man. We also know that it is not God’s will to initiate a separation without a formal divorce (see 1 Corinthians 7:10-11). Thus, she must somehow seek to live with this sinful husband.

Further, she must seek to pursue a life of godliness herself, filled with the fruit of the Spirit. Additionally, this godly wife must seek to not only turn from evil and wickedness (as manifested in her husband) but also seek to apply all of the sweet, gentle, and loving ways of a holy wife toward her husband. (See 1 Peter 3:4)

As we imagine this and realize that very few marriages may be described in this way, we must emphasize that the Lord Jesus has said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). In other words, Christ (and God the Father, through the Holy Spirit) does give the needed strength, wisdom, grace, and power to live a holy life in the midst of this den of iniquity.

In our closing remarks, we might remind all of us the words of Paul the apostle: “Do not be bound together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14; please read vv. 14-18). But in the case we have been discussing, the wife is already married to her husband, thus she cannot leave him or divorce him. Neither does he commit fornication or adultery, thus there is no “escape” in this either (cf. Matthew 19:9; Romans 7:2-3).

For those of our readers who are unmarried, we urge you to not surrender yourself to an ungodly man! The wife must be submissive to her husband (cf. 1 Peter 3:1; etc.) and this applies to all things that are not ungodly, wicked, worldly, or sinful. If something is sinful, she then must always choose God over her unbelieving and evil husband (see Acts 5:29; cf. Acts 4:19-20).

But if you have never married, we insist that you refuse to surrender your will to a man. Instead, be content to live (at least temporarily) unmarried and without the additional burden of a sinful husband! Now is the time to decide to commit yourself to God and not turn from the path of truth and righteousness. Do not succumb to the worldly and unbelieving path of joining yourself to an unbelieving husband who will slow you down and pull you down into his wicked ways!

Further, please read 1 Corinthians 7 to see God’s view of singleness or the unmarried state. Although it can be difficult, it can be done with God’s power and the Holy Spirit’s enablement. May God bless you in this troublesome situation. May He give you the ability to say “No” when you must say this and “Yes” when you must say this.