How can I Deal with Conflict in My Marriage?

Richard Hollerman

If you are married, you probably are not a stranger to conflict. This perhaps needs to be clarified since there should be true Christian marriages in which conflict, fighting, and disagreements are not a problem at all. But we suspect that since many marriages are composed of a husband and a wife who formerly were unsaved but then were converted to Christ, some of these relationships do display characteristics that are found in the world. Hopefully many of the “Christian” marriages are without quarrels or arguments. But for most, we must sadly say that conflict is present.

Since we continue to deal with sin that we knew before coming to Christ, we continue to deal with marital conflict. It has been said that “selfishness is the main cause of marriage conflicts” (http://www.imom.com/the-four-stages-of-marital-conflict/#.XjuAR2hKi1s). If we can conquer the sin of selfishness, it would seem that much of the conflict could be removed.

Conflict is all around us. Recently, we heard the “State of the Union” address in America and this definitely showed that conflict is to be seen in political circles. How common is conflict in marriages? Some 16 percent of couples report that they have little conflict. Another 60 percent have “moderate” levels of conflict. Also some 22 percent of couples have “a lot” of conflict. Thus, apparently most couples in the world do have measurable levels of conflict between the husband and wife. We do hope that this doesn’t describe you and your marriage. (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110815101538.htm)

We suggest that some of the following points are involved in this conflict, along with ways to overcome this within marriage.

First, we know that some marriages are adulterous. We cannot expect that if adultery is present that the marriage will be harmonious. Of course, if one or both of the parties formerly did have a terrible marital relationship, the second “marriage” may seem far better. And it may be, in some measure. However, we cannot expect to have God’s blessing if adultery is part of the relationship. Even when the marriage may be an adulterous one, it may have less conflict than the first one did.

Second, a marriage that emphasizes love—genuine love—will be one that avoids conflict or fighting. Just think of the elements of true love that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Note this description:

• Love is patient
• Love is kind
• Love is not jealous
• Love does not brag
• Love is not arrogant
• Love does not act unbecomingly
• Love does not seek its own (is not selfish)
• Love is not provoked
• Love does not take into account a wrong suffered
• Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness
• Love rejoices with the truth
• Love bears all things
• Love believes all things
• Love hopes all things
• Love endures all things
• Love never fails

I think that we will admit that if both parties in a marriage practice these characteristics, conflict can be eliminated. Read over the above traits and ask whether each of them describes your own relationship with a spouse. True, unselfish love is one of the chief ways to eliminate conflict.

Third, in a harmonious marriage, the parties will guard their words. As Proverbs 21:23 puts it: “He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.” We are to put away all kinds of sins with the mouth: Anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech with the mouth (Colossians 3:8; see also Ephesians 4:29). If we refuse to participate in such worldly and wicked speech, our marriages will be much sweeter, calmer, and more peaceful.

Fourth, remember to practice the fruit of the Spirit in your relationship with your husband or wife! Some of this fruit would be found in Galatians 5:22-23: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Dozens of others are scattered from Matthew 1:1 to Revelation 22. If we really, sincerely practice this fruit, conflict in marriage can be largely removed.

Fifth, renounce the deeds/works of the flesh. Just as fruit would be found through the NT, so these fleshly deeds are found through the NT writings. If we eliminate such sins as immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, anger, abusive speech, dishonesty or lying, disputes, envying, and drunkenness (Galatians 5:19-21; see also Romans 1:28-32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; Ephesians 5:1-12; etc.), we will find much of the conflict gone!

Sixth, be willing to take the position that God has given to you. If you become the woman that God wants and become the man that God desires, much of the conflict can be eliminated. As for roles, remember that the husband is to be the leader and manager, strong and kind. The wife is to be submissive and yielding, quiet and active. For example, read Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:1-7; Titus 2:4-7; etc. Although the world may frown on these godly positions, the Scriptural roles for the husband and wife will largely avoid conflict and disagreements in marriage.

Seventh, it is worth repeating and emphasizing how much God wants us to be kind, considerate, loving, gentle, and patient in the marriage relationship. For example, a wife is to have a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:3-4). Do you have such an attitude? Or is your spirit the opposite of gentleness and quietness? The husband is to be a man of prayer, is to practice godly leadership and authority, and must respond to his wife with honor and faithfulness (1 Peter 3:7). If you develop these characteristics, you will eliminate much of the strife and conflict in marriage!

Eighth, a final characteristic worth noting is perhaps the most important. Both the husband and the wife must be true Christians. They must be filled with the Spirit, know Scriptural commands, follow the will and ways of Jesus, and diligently pursue the will of God. They must not just assume that they are saved, but must search the Scriptures to discover God’s will regarding how to be saved.

They will see the importance of genuine faith (John 3:14-18, 36). They will submissively repent of all of their sins (Acts 17:30-31; 20:21; Romans 2:4-5). They must confess Jesus as Lord (Romans 10:9-10) and submit to authentic baptism/immersion (Matthew 28:18-20; Acts 2:37-41; 8:35-38; 22:16). They must die to sin and be immersed into Christ and His death then rise to walk in newness of life (Romans 6:3-11; Colossians 2:11-13; Galatians 3:26-27). They must become new creatures in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:17-21). In other words, they must cast off false ways of salvation and come to God through Christ even as He has instructed.

This is the kind of article that can go on and on, but we can see that if we refuse to allow for strife and conflict, arguments and bitterness, we will have a sweeter experience in marriage. As a husband and as a wife, if we follow the directives of Scripture—God’s Word—we will have a more righteous and godly relationship.

Let’s make our marriages to be a little bit of heaven on earth! Although we live on earth and partake of human frailties, God does want us to have a sweet, kind, loving, patient, unselfish, and kind disposition. This can describe you! Let’s do what we can to fulfill all that God through Scripture has revealed to us and be the kind of husband and wife that pleases God and each other!